Thursday, September 4, 2008

Death Race

Death Race
is a sick as shit exploitation flick that declines to appeal to your brain, your heart, or even your guts, skipping all the way down, grabbing ahold of your nutsack, and screaming "FUCK YOU THIS MOVIE IS AWESOME," threatening to rip your balls off if you don't agree, you pussy.

Jason Statham gets framed for murdering his wife and is put in maximum security prison, where he is forced to race against other inmates for his freedom. In the race, there are these lit-up pads on the track and when the cars run over them they can get guns, missiles, smokescreens, napalm, or oil slicks, which they are then encouraged to turn on the other racers. It's exactly like Mario Kart or Diddy Kong Racing, but with more murder. The movie is basically The Shawshank Redemption meets Mario Kart meets some arbitrary violent movie and it doesn't matter which one. It's such a fucking B-movie I can't believe it.

There's plenty of badass violence. People shoot each other with high-caliber machine guns and lots of blood sprays all over the place and in certain situations other characters are impaled on spikes, torched down to muscle and bone with flamethrowers, blown up, or rammed full-speed with cars and have their moist, crimson remains splayed across the scenery. There's this one scene where a guy gets pushed out of a 100+ mph car and his head flies into a metal pole on the way out. The violence deserves hooting and applause. This is a movie you'll want to see with a crowd of drunk Latino gang members. It would be a good movie to take your preschooler to to teach him of the cruel, grotesque monstrosity that is humanity.

Jason Statham has a cool accent and he's like some badass superhuman that could kick your ass and break all your fingers one by one and make witty wisecracks while doing it. Holy shit I cannot believe how badass this guy is. If Jason Statham and me were locked in a room together I would kill myself just to stop him from hurting me. He's so badass I am in awe. His dick is probably like eleven inches long, he should run for fucking President of the United States or something.

Strikingly beautiful, talented, and serious Tony Award-winning actress Joan Allen is reduced to hamming it up to a hideous degree as the comic book villain, commanding her underlings to kill Jason Statham (yeah right, you whore) and delivering the line "Okay cocksucker. Fuck with me, and we'll see who shits on the sidewalk." She will probably be embarrassed of this role for the rest of her life and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tyrese Gibson plays an angry black man.

There's this subplot where all these chicks are shipped over from the woman's prison to act as the racers' navigators. They never wear anything that doesn't expose their midriffs and cleavage and whenever they step into a scene they are accompanied by ten minutes of ultra-slow motion shots of their lips pouting and sweat dripping down their breasts with some fucking Beyonce song or some shit I don't care about playing and some twelve year old will like ejaculate right there in the theater watching it.

The only problem with this movie is that there should have been like ten times more violence and profanity. It's like there's these scenes where they stop and expound on the plot when the dialogue should just be nothing but arbitrarily strung-together swear words; bad on the screenwriters. And while there is a lot of kills it would have been preferable if every murder was followed by fifty gallons of blood flowing all over the racetrack until all the character's windshields were smeared with intestines and brain matter and burst eyeballs and kidneys.

But on the other hand there's this one scene where Jason Statham like twists this guy's head and breaks his neck and it's like holy shit.

All in all, Death Race > Casablanca.

3 Stars out of 5

No comments: