Thursday, June 11, 2009

Shitty Movie Posters, Vol. 2

I like the Harry Potter franchise. I'm not a lunatic for it and I hate all the Quidditch scenes, but compared to other young adult series like Eragon and Twilight which are grounds for zombie J.R.R. Tolkein and Bram Stoker to rise from the dead, go back in time, and kill their younger selves to make sure they never create their genres, it's clearly the nugget of copper in a sea of feces. I have no problem acknowledging that I've read all seven books and seen all five movies at least once each.

That said, something is afoul in the Potterverse. Yes, horde the food, lock up your valuables, bar your doors, execute your kids if need be (to protect them from true horror), for American multiplexes have again been invaded by shitty movie posters. Look at this debauchery through a pinhole only:

Sure, it's nowhere near as awful as the Star Trek poster, which was less a movie advertisement and more grounds to end this universe and try again, but it's horrible in a more subtle, insidious way. You only have to glimpse the Trek poster out the corner of your eye to know that it's something that should not exist in a nation of laws, but the Half-Blood Prince poster, if skimmed by quickly, could actually trick the layman into thinking it acceptable. Then you examine it more closely and you projectile vomit down the halls of theater.

It's doused in the same drowning-victim-blue as every frame of Twilight, no doubt to convince tween girls that it's okay to stop lusting upon Robert Pattinson for one night and go see the Harry's latest adventure. Who knows, with luck, maybe there'll even be a Cedric Diggory flashback and they can masturbate to Pattinson right there in the theater.

But the chill color isn't where the real problem begins, nor even Ron's face hilariously Photoshopped onto someone else's body. Look lower. What douchebag thought it was a good idea to tilt the credits at a 30° angle? The last thing I need is to be cocking my head to the side like an asshole right there in the multiplex while trying to figure out who the cinematographer is. With my luck my destined soul mate will walk into the theater hallway at that exact moment, assume quite reasonably that I'm suffering from severe Down's, and go on her way without another word.

And then look at the top, where the words "Harry Potter" should be but aren't quite. What nerve, to assume they're so badass they don't even need to put the name of their franchise in full, instead stretching the words out at 500% magnification as if seeing the faintest hint of that beloved logo will send our hearts aflutter. Yes, I'm really excited to see the new "y Po" movie, you fucking assholes.

But of course even a dull poster can be salvaged by a memorable tagline. Let's look down at the bottom and see that, yes, some schmuck out there actually paid his rent for three months by coming up with "DARK SECRETS REVEALED." Someone out there wrote this on a piece of paper after weeks of careful consideration. He read it back to himself, a smug, assured smile filled his face, and he said, "Yeah. That's it. That's the one" in a voice of self-flagellating awe.

That's not a "tagline," that's a description of what happens in the movie!

Look, I'm a reasonable man. I understand that not every tagline can be a "In space no one can hear you scream," or a "Whoever wins... we lose," or a "Houston, we have a problem." But I am glad that the genius who came up with "DARK SECRETS REVEALED" didn't lend his magic touch to those films, or else we'd have "THERE'S AN ALIEN," "FREDDY AND JASON FIGHT," and "THE SPACE SHIP DOESN'T WORK."

Hell, even Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban had the catchy "Something wicked this way comes," although we now know that someone out there is filled with regret that their beloved suggestion of "THE TEACHER IS A WEREWOLF" didn't quite make it all the way.

Everything is wrong in this poster. This is the Bush administration of movie posters. Why is London in the background. Yes, when I think of Harry Potter, the first thing I think of isn't the enchanted Scottish castle of Hogwarts, but fucking London, smeared in so much blue paint, bound on either side by "y Po" and "DARK SECRETS REVEALED." Douse me in kerosine, light the flame; I can't fucking believe it.

Christ, what a shitty poster.

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