Friday, July 24, 2009

Top 3 Worst Movies of the Weekend (Without Seeing Any of Them)

The weekend of July 24th, 2009 is without question or debate the worst weekend of the summer. Three major releases and each one looks like something you would give the DVD of as a spite birthday present to the coworker you secretly hate. I'm not going to see any of these movies because I'd rather die but I'm going to go ahead and rank and review them anyway.

3. Orphan

As far as I can tell, the message of this shitty creepy little kid horror movie seems to be "don't adopt a child, or that child will kill you and your family." Because I think we can all agree it was time to take the hotshot orphanage industry down a peg, what with their trying to secure families for orphaned children and all. Beyond that it looks like another shitty slasher and slashers are boring and if you like them your taste in things is bad and you should feel bad.

The initial tagline for this movie was literally: "It must be difficult to love an adopted child as much as your own." Hell yeah! Stick it to those fuckin' orphans!

How much I want it to see it on a scale of 1-10: 1.7

2. G-Force

G-Force is about a squad of rodents who solve crimes and shit. I would literally bet the lives of my unborn future children that someone (either rodent or human) farts for laughs at some point. You can tell just looking at the poster that there's a fucking fart joke in this movie.

It's for little kids but no matter how little your kid is there's no excuse to take them to this instead of Up or Star Trek or even that stupid Ice Age sequel that looks like high art wrought for kings next to G-Force.

How much I want it to see it on a scale of 1-10: 1.1

1. The Ugly Truth

Here to teach you everything you didn't know about gender relations and couldn't learn by watching any of the fifty other romantic comedies on the subject in the last ten years comes The Ugly Truth. You see, Gerard Butler is a manly TV host who tells it like it is, and Katherine Heigl is his uptight shrew of a producer. Together they'll team up so she can make a doctor fall in love with her and gee-oh-gee do I fucking wonder if Butler and Heigl will fall for each other and get together in the end. Really, I'm in a lot of suspense over this.

The movie presents two theories: 1) As represented by Gerard Butler, men are submental neanderthals to whom the notion of a woman who has any thought or ambition beyond that of a glassy-eyed blowjob dispenser is unimaginably loathsome, and 2) As represented by Heigl, women, even those who look like models, are too stupid and incompetent to be able to seduce a man without sage advice like "get out your tits!" and "touch his crotch!" fed through a secret earpiece by Gerard Butler. Yes, somehow The Ugly Truth is sexist against both genders and in every other fathomable direction. It's omnisexist.

Anyway, the movie's not funny, and Butler and Heigl get together in the end. If I'm wrong about either of those predictions you have my permission to personally murder me.

How much I want it to see it on a scale of 1-10: -8000

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