Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Tim's Trailer Talk, Vol. 14

African Cats

Chances of me seeing it: 60%. I love kitties!

Chances of me liking it: 40%. Looking at this very uplifting, feel-good, Disneyfied trailer I am curious to what extent the final film is actually going to acknowledge and show the fact that African cats have to commit daily cold-blooded murder — often against harmless, lovable herbivores — in order to stay alive. I mean, that would just make the whole thing so much less adorable, yet so much more badass. We shall see.

Beyond the jump: the return of Mel Gibson, Halle Berry, Hayden Christensen, and Mega Shark.


Chances of me seeing it: 1%. I'd rather just cut to chase and watch the Twilight films I haven't seen. However, I give it 1% for Neil Patrick Harris.

Chances of me liking it: 0%. Between this and I Am Number Four (for which there was also a new trailer this week that I'm not gonna bother posting because gimme a break) it seems like "post-Twilight" is now a genre of its very own. Everyone digs overwritten, schmaltzy love stories between high school girls and supernatural dudes! And by "everyone" I mean "girls between the ages of 10 and 17." So expect to see a dozens more churned out in the next few years.

The Beaver

Chances of me seeing it: 100%. Miss Mel Gibson's last hurrah as leading man? Not a chance. History in action, baby.

Chances of me liking it: 20%. "This is the story of Walter Black!" Lol, irony. Getting away from the movie itself, has anyone else who spends too much time on the internet noticed the rather hilarious fact that a man caught threatening to kill his wife and bury her in a garden while shouting racist slurs on tape seems to be the only actor in years that people on message boards are turning out by the thousands to stand behind and leap to the defense of? I think that pretty much says it all about America. This is also obviously one of those trailers that compresses the entire movie into two and a half minutes, so thanks for that, trailer cutters.


Chances of me seeing it: 30%. I dunno. I doubt it's legitimately scary, but it looks like they're trying to do something more than a generic slasher flick anyway. More of a Texas Chainsaw Massacre vibe, which is by no means a favorite film of mine, but with Bereavement coming out in the dead of February when I'll be hurting for something to watch and featuring a rare big screen appearance by Michael Biehn, I may consider it if the reviews are interesting.

Chances of me liking it: 15%.

Frankie & Alice

Chances of me seeing it: 25%. Why not just streamline things and call it "Halle Berry Goes For Another Oscar"?

Chances of me liking it: 10%. It's possible the trailer is just cutting together all the comically melodramatic and overacted bits and there's something meatier to the real film. It's also possible I'll have sex with Carla Gugino one day. Lots of things are possible, that doesn't mean they're so. "Well you never end a sentence with a preposition, doctor!" Someone polish up the Best Screenplay statue; Frankie & Alice is comin' to town!

Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus

Chances of me seeing it: 100%. I watched Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus, and lord knows I wouldn't want to fall behind on such a rich mythology.

Chances of me liking it: 1%. If you wish hard enough, anything can happen! Well, except for this.

Vanishing on 7th Street

Chances of me seeing it: 50%. Jesus are there a lot of movies with this premise. Still, like Bereavement, it gets the February "there'll be nothing else in theaters and I'll be desperate" bonus. And the John Leguizamo bonus. A little Leguizamo takes a film a long way.

Chances of me liking it: 20%. I wonder if Danny Boyle gets residuals every time a movie starts with its protagonist waking up and going outside to realize the streets are eerily empty and the human race seemingly vanished? Of course, only Danny Boyle and Cillian Murphy had the figurative and literal balls to open said premise with a full-on penis shot. Where's the penis, Hayden Christensen? You chicken? Of course we all know the truth: it burned off in the fires of Mustafar.

And finally, a TV trailer —

Game of Thrones (12-Minute Trailer)

Gotta give it to HBO: they're doing a good job marketing Game of Thrones for a show that's five months out, with a very cool trailer last week and now a twelve-minute behind-the-scenes featurette to wash it down. This one includes our first real looks at Jaime, Tyrion, Jon Snow, Littlefinger, and Viserys (not to mention minor characters like Gendry, Jory Cassel, and Varys), so that's cool. It still shafts the Stark kids — Robb, Sansa, Arya, and Bran are not exactly the minor supporting characters this trailer makes them out to be — and paints Eddard Stark as badass in a way that will let down anyone who tunes in hoping for Boromir v2.0, but whatever. Show should hopefully be awesome. Maybe George R.R. Martin will even release another book! Haha, just kidding, I was being silly.

And the week's winner is: Disqualifying Game of Thrones and focusing on the movies, uh... fuck it, Mega Shark vs. Crocosaurus. Whatever. I don't care.

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