Diary of a Wimpy Kid 2: Rodrick Rules
Chances of me seeing it: 0%. I can honestly think of probably a half dozen movies ever made that I'm less likely to see before I die.
Chances of me liking it: 0%. The best part is that if you go to this film's IMDb message board there's a topic entitled "So Chloe Moretz is too good for this now?" gloomily suggesting that Chloë Moretz considers herself better than reprising her role from the original Diary of a Wimpy Kid after Kick-Ass, Let Me In, and being second lead in Martin Scorsese's upcoming Hugo Cabret. Gee, ya think?
Beyond the jump: Natalie Portman and Amber Heard duel it out for peak awfulness.
The Other Woman
Chances of me seeing it: 5%. Few things repulse me more violently than the cloying, desperate emotional manipulation of the "dead child" subgenre, and even if I was going to watch one it would probably be Rabbit Hole and fill up my dead child quota for the next three or four years. The only reason I'd ever consider watching The Other Woman is for the bizarre novelty of seeing Phoebe in a drama, so good call on that casting, filmmakers.
Chances of me liking it: 1%. But it's alright; if I need to see Natalie Portman I can go watch No Strings Attached in two weeks, Your Highness in April, Thor in May, or just go see Black Swan again right now. Good lord, Natalie, pace yourself!
Chances of me seeing it: 15%. If I want an insane asylum movie I'm more likely than anything else to just watch Shutter Island again. However, I grant that Shutter Island definitely falls short of The Ward when it comes to hot blonde lesbian twentysomethings. Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Scorsese!
Chances of me liking it: 3%.
And the week's winner is: Out of that lot? Jesus fucking Christ. It's like being asked to choose your favorite terminal illness. The Ward, I guess.