Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Tim's Trailer Talk, Vol. 5

Casino Jack

Chances of me seeing it: 40%. Geez, when did Kevin Spacey become such an overactor? I'm going to have to read the reviews on this one before I commit to anything. This trailer also has one of the worst ending "tags" I've seen in a while. I hate how trailers always have to do that.

Chances of me liking it: 20%. The general vibe of this entire trailer really jumps out at me as being a poor man's Thank You For Smoking. Anyone else get that impression?

Lots to discuss this week! Good, bad, and ugly movies beyond the jump.

The Dilemma

Chances of me seeing it: 10%. Holy shit. Did I really just sit through 152 seconds of comedy movie trailer and not so much as crack the tiniest hint of a smile once? Ron Howard, why? Also, why is there a small but still greater than zero chance that Ron Howard completionism will drive me to watch this? What's wrong with us, Ron? And Kevin James, why? Why are you in movies? You aren't funny!

Chances of me liking it: 2%. Also, why is Jennifer Connelly in this? I mean, she does some bad movies here and there, but she's the sort of actress who tends to do bad dramas, not bad comedies. And every single time I type her name I end up having to look it up to figure out the right number of Ns and Ls and where the Es go. Hardest celebrity to spell ever. Okay, okay, except for this guy.


Chances of me seeing it: 75%. I'm a big fan of the mumblecore subgenre, and this movie's plot has a vague yet tantalizing similarity to Mark and Jay Duplass's excellent 2005 film The Puffy Chair (one you should watch on Netflix View Instantly if you've never seen it) in the way it's a low-key road trip film about characters bonding as they search for a MacGuffin that I'm willing to bet will turn out being fairly unimportant in the end. And, just to make sure I'm as hypocritical as possible, I laughed hard at this trailer's final tag, which is nice because after The Dilemma I doubted I was ever going to laugh again.

Chances of me liking it: 40%. Any film with a beard like that has promise.

Down Terrace

Chances of me seeing it: 50%. The family crime drama is a truly classic genre, one that has produced some of the best films ever. But I just watched this trailer a few seconds ago and it's already slipping away from me. Except for the admittedly hilarious old-lady-pushing at the end (which I really, really hope wasn't intended to be dramatic) it looks inescapably dry and cheap and generic. This one is filed very firmly under "I'll read the reviews first."

Chances of me liking it: 25%. I know there are some positive critical quotes in the trailer, but when it comes to a family crime drama let's just be honest and admit that's meaningless. Critics eat that shit up. It may be up to me to uncover the truth.

The Fighter

Chances of me seeing it: 100%. Three Kings is one of the greatest movies of all time and I will see everything that David O. Russell makes.

Chances of me liking it: 50%. Is it just me or does this trailer look incredibly generic? Like, I'm sitting here watching and all I can think is "thanks, I saw every Rocky, I even saw Cinderella Man, what new concept are you offering me besides Amy Adams in her underwear?" Christian Bale is emaciated again, Mark Wahlberg looks like he's living up to the fine tradition of The Happening and The Lovely Bones by giving another one of his trademark "terrible" performances, and of course we have the usual fetishization of blue-collar life that these boxing flicks just can't seem to escape from. Yet, despite all of that... it's David O. Russell. And no less than Darren goddamn Aronofsky is producing! With those two names in the mix I refuse to believe that there's isn't some original, interesting concept buried in the script that the trailer is trying to cover up with mush.

For Colored Girls

Chances of me seeing it: 0%. The title specifically disinvites me!

Chances of me liking it: 0%. Make no mistake, Tyler Perry is a genius, and don't let any moron tell you otherwise. The man has made himself a millionaire many, many times over by cranking out film after film appealing to a very specific demographic that Hollywood was largely ignorant of until his arrival, namely strongly religious, black, middle-aged women. But as much as I may respect the man's business acumen it's hard to get around the fact that I am the precise polar opposite of all those things.

Nutcracker 3D

Chances of me seeing it: 5%. I'll admit that there's a certain visually imaginative flair to a few moments in the trailer, but not enough to overwhelm the stench of Alice in Wonderland I get from it. Mix with inescapable kiddiness and you have something that I can't imagine mustering up the energy to put in a DVD player, let alone drive my ass out to a theater for.

Chances of me liking it: 1%. It makes me laugh how Dakota Fanning aged out of childhood roles so producers just shrugged and gave Elle Fanning a promotion to Dakota Fanning 2.0. What ever will they do when Elle grows up??

Picture Me

Chances of me seeing it: 0%. I can honestly say that this film's subject matter does not interest me in any way, shape, or form. Like, I wouldn't even see it if it got a perfect score on Rotten Tomatoes.

Chances of me liking it: 0%. If you want me to sympathize with your protagonist then it's probably not helpful to flash around the $80,473.15 paycheck she got for standing around looking pretty. Oh boo hoo, the stress, oh, the stress.

The Roommate

Chances of me seeing it: 80%. The odds of me seeing this in theaters are virtually nonexistent on account of it looks absolutely atrocious — like, seriously, a worst of the year contender — but since the main character is played by Minka Kelly, i.e. one of the main characters on the first three seasons of Friday Night Lights, that means I will probably Netflix it at some point. Yes, that show holds me under a spell that makes me do moronic things, and I'm not proud of it.

Chances of me liking it: 0%. Are you kidding me? I was already chuckling out loud by "Pancakes!" "That's what I was thinking!", by "I'm her only friend?" I was in full-blown hysterics.

Stuck Between Stations

Chances of me seeing it: 10%. It looks kind of like Before Sunrise set in America, and I love Before Sunrise so I'd love to pretend that I'm interested in this one, but I'm not.

Chances of me liking it: 5%. It looks so very precious.


Chances of me seeing it: 30%. I actually hold a grudge against this film, one strong enough that I might refuse to see it out of principle despite enjoying fantasy adventures. You see, this movie was originally planned as a traditionally-animated 2D film to follow up on last year's charming, wonderfully nostalgic The Princess and the Frog. Some of the original artwork even made its way online and it happened to be fucking gorgeous. Then, The Princess and the Frog failed to set the box office aflame the way that far inferior Shrek and Ice Age crapfests do, so Disney blanched and ran like a scared little bitch back to their bland, lifeless CGI. And frankly, as a fan of traditional art, that pisses me off a lot.

Chances of me liking it: 15%. Maybe it's a perfectly serviceable fantasy adventure flick, but if I watch it I'm gonna be pissed off the whole time so that probably won't help things.

There Be Dragons

Chances of me seeing it: 50%. I don't know, this trailer reveals absolutely nothing.

Chances of me liking it: 25%. Not even a plot!

Today's Special

Chances of me seeing it: 90%. I had actually never heard of this movie until watching the trailer just a few minutes ago, but I have to say it looks surprisingly charming! I have little interest in learning advanced cooking for myself but ever since seeing Ratatouille I've found that it makes a great subject for cinema (kind of like how I have no interest in football but love Friday Night Lights). Add on the New York City location shooting and the fact that you gotta love Aasif Mandvi when he isn't acting in The Last Airbender and you have an appealing little indie(an) flick. I might not see it in theaters but it looks like a solid Netflix.

Chances of me liking it: 60%. I already like the plot and the actors. It really just boils down to whether it's funny and whether it can maintain the trailer's charm for ninety minutes or whatever.

The Tourist

Chances of me seeing it: 100%. I was gonna say 80% then spin some bullshit about how despite acting in a few mediocre-to-bad films in recent years Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie still have irresistible star power, but then, at 2:14 into the trailer, just for a split second, you will see nestled amongst the cast list one "Timothy Dalton." So yeah, I'm obligated. James Bond fan code states that you must see movies starring James Bond.

Chances of me liking it: 50%. The trailer plays kind of like a European riff on the style and tone of Mr. and Mrs. Smith, and not just because of Angelina, but I thought Mr. and Mrs. Smith was pretty bad so that's not saying a whole lot. However, with Johnny Depp's clueless, in-over-his-head everyman hero it looks less smug and convinced of its own coolness than that film, so maybe it'll be entertaining.

And the week's winner is: I'm gonna go against the grain here. Every movie site I've read is clearly most excited about The Fighter, and I would love to be proved wrong on all my doubts and be suckerpunched (PUN) by a masterpiece, but right here and right now I have to go with my heart, and my heart says... Today's Special. Eat that! (PUN MASTERSTROKE)

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