Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Tim's Trailer Talk, Vol. 11

Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son

Chances of me seeing it: 0%. The question is less "Will I see Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son?" than "Which vital organs would I rather have forcibly removed with an AIDS-infected scalpel than see Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son?" This movie looks so bad that its badness expands beyond the movie screen and retroactively wipes out fifty years of American artistic progress. If the cavemen knew that etching pictures with stones would one day culminate in Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son, they would have done the honorable thing and committed mass suicide, allowing the human race to die off early and preventing this movie's eventual existence. I would rather eat a birthday cake made out feces than watch Big Mommas: Like Father, Like Son. I would rather let a king cobra bite the tip of my penis. I would watch five consecutive episodes of Two and a Half Men.

Chances of me liking it: 0%. It doesn't look very good.

Beyond the jump: two movies with the exact same plot.


Chances of me seeing it: 5%. You know, as terrible Uwe Boll may be, Blubberella almost looks like an interesting opportunity to see a filmmaker lose his mind in a very public and spectacular fashion. I mean, this is above and beyond another shitty video game adaptation; this is something else entirely.

Chances of me liking it: 0%. Which isn't to say it's going to be anything other than completely horrible.

Friends with Benefits

Chances of me seeing it: 10%. I feel comfortable calling myself a JT fan after The Social Network, Mila Kunis is highly adorable, and if Hollywood has to make another romantic comedy I suppose it's nice to see one that's unapologetically R-rated, but none of that really undoes the fact that this supposed comedy trailer isn't funny. Risque, sure, but risque does not by default equal funny, something lost on whoever edited this trailer. I'll skim the reviews but I'm not exactly holding my breath.

Chances of me liking it: 3%. Not to mention that every human being on the planet earth, including the uncontacted peoples of North Sentinel Island, would be able to tell you exactly how this movie ends approximately thirty seconds into the trailer. Will Justin Timberlake and Mila Kulis end up together? Gee, I wonder. What a fucking mystery.

Hall Pass

Chances of me seeing it: 30%. Well... it looks better than Friends with Benefits, I suppose. I've enjoyed a few Farrelly brothers comedies in the past and it's co-starring the generally hilarious JB Smoove of Curb Your Enthusiasm fame, but still. I dunno. It looks watchable, I guess.

Chances of me liking it: 10%. When "it looks watchable, I guess" is the strongest enthusiasm I can muster, we're probably not looking at a masterpiece.

Jane Eyre

Chances of me seeing it: 25%. I generally don't give a shit about these Victorian era period pieces (in fact, I doubt I've seen more than a half dozen in my life; I'm basically the exact opposite of this woman), but this one does look like it has a bit more teeth and personality than your standard-issue Jane Austen romance. I'll consider it.

Chances of me liking it: 15%.

Just Go With It

Chances of me seeing it: 5%. Adam Sandler, King of Brainless Comedy, unites with Jennifer Aniston, Queen of Generic Romcoms. It was a match long meant to be, and now it is upon us, with the cold, certain finality of death. Despite Sandler being the official protagonist the general tone and comedic style looks far more along Aniston lines — soft and light and devoid of the slightest risk, friendly to preschoolers and grandmas alike. We got a real worst of both worlds scenario on our hands here.

Chances of me liking it: 0.1%. Will Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston end up together? Gee, I wonder. What a fucking mystery.

Kung Fu Panda 2

Chances of me seeing it: 80%. I saw and enjoyed the original Kung Fu Panda. It was a good movie by any standard and a very, very good movie by DreamWorks Animation standards, with likable characters, a fun interpretation of the hero's journey, and clever action and fight scenes that took advantage of the infinite potential of animation. So I'll probably wind up giving the sequel a look, if not in theaters then at least on DVD.

Chances of me liking it: 30%. That said, I also enjoyed the original Shrek before getting stabbed in the back by Shrek 2.

No Strings Attached

Chances of me seeing it: 1%. The hell? Friends with Benefits again, but with the other co-star of Darren Aronofsky's Black Swan and even shittier? Why? Most distressing is that Natalie Portman's friends in this trailer are played by Mindy Kaling and Greta Gerwig, two actresses I actually like. Gerwig's rise from indie flicks with $4000 budgets where she held the boom when she wasn't on camera to legitimate big screen actress would be a lot more inspirational if she hadn't immediately parlayed it into a supporting role in a lowest-common-denominator romantic comedy.

Chances of me liking it: 0%. Will Ashton Kutcher and Natalie Portman end up together? Gee, I wonder. What a fucking mystery.

Sucker Punch

Chances of me seeing it: 100%. I saw Dawn of the Dead, 300, and Watchmen, and while I wasn't crazy about all of them (in fact, only Watchmen), I might as well keep my Zack Snyder track record going.

Chances of me liking it: 50%. Many have rightfully pointed out that Sucker Punch's mixture of samurais, giant robots, dragons, evil Nazis, and scantily-clad girls pretty much makes it Internet: The Movie, and it's hard to deny that it's a little bit embarrassing, much like the months of nerd hype surrounding the decent-but-not-great 300 were a little embarrassing at the time and really embarrassing in retrospect. Still, Sucker Punch's disparate elements may yet coalesce into a goofily entertaining guilty pleasure. I admire the way that Zack Snyder marches to the beat of his own drum, if nothing else. He's like Uwe Boll with actual talent.


Chances of me seeing it: 0%. So I guess this Kevin James thing wasn't a fad? He's really a movie star now, huh? Well, last Tuesday's election results showed me out utterly out of sync I am with the average American, so I shouldn't be that blown away. Yet still I am. I mean, Kevin James? Really, everyone? You're gonna pay money to watch Kevin James on a giant screen for ninety minutes? I don't even know if life is worth living anymore.

Chances of me liking it: Negative 20%.

And the week's winner is: Sucker Punch, I guess. Its closest competitor is Kung Fu Panda 2, which goes to show this wasn't an especially strong week for trailers unless you're into nightmarish romantic comedies.

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