Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Tim's Trailer Talk, Vol. 8.5

High Lane

Chances of me seeing it: 30%. First off, I love how this trailer dubs everything into English and cuts carefully to try and obscure that fact, because lord knows that if any French touches our pure American ears we'll shrivel up and die. Beyond that, I'll grant that the movie looks very slightly more compelling than similar upcoming horror thrillers. I'd rather watch this than And Soon the Darkness, which I posted the trailer for the other day, if only because it's got a touch of The Most Dangerous Game, a story that's begging for a big screen reimagining. Still, I can't see myself watching High Lane anywhere except Netflix View Instantly.

Chances of me liking it: 10%. Probably won't be any good, but it's possible.

Beyond the jump we have... well, not much that looks that great. But you can click anyway. You know, if you want to.


Chances of me seeing it: 35%. This remind anyone else of John Q? "I AM NOT GOING TO BURY MY SON!! daughter."

Chances of me liking it: 10%. It may have some entertaining thriller elements, but looks like it lacks even the mild moral ambiguity of John Q. And yes, that is the first and hopefully only time in my life I will ever reference John Q as a positive. Also, it kind of freaks me out when filmmakers cast Diane Kruger as American. She is so very, very German.

I Want Your Money

Chances of me seeing it: Negative 5,000%. Gee, let me think. Do I want to watch a documentary where shithead conservatives try to pass off the Republican Party's actively malicious, laughing-while-shitting-on-the-American-people obstruction of the federal government as Democratic failure to govern? Yes. Given a choice between that and having my testicles forcibly removed from my scrotum with a chisel, I'll watch the movie. Under any other circumstances, no.

Chances of me liking it: Negative 5,000,000%. Fun fact: not one single American who has decried Obama as a "socialist" over the last two years actually has any idea what socialism is. What I'm saying is that you believe Obama is a socialist, you are a stupid person. (Also, by the way, I know this might be a shock for Republicans to hear, but your hallowed saint Reagan is fucking dead. So either formally start a religion with him as the figurehead or move on to a new Christ figure. It's been old for over a decade, now it's just embarrassing.)

I Spit On Your Grave

Chances of me seeing it: 20%. I watched the new Last House on the Left just last year, and I'm not sure I really need to see more than one rape / revenge movie (a subgenre which surprisingly has a full-fledged Wikipedia entry) per decade. However, I have heard some mildly interesting hype about the girl's revenge methods being so sick and twisted that they are the primary reason the film was unable to secure an R rating. I may just streamline the process by watching the revenge scenes on YouTube, though.

Chances of me liking it: 3%. Didn't like The Last House on the Left. Don't much see why I'd like this one.


Chances of me seeing it: 0%. Congratulations, Kalamity. You officially have the most nonsensical trailer I've seen since I began Tim's Trailer Talk. Hell, I'm impressed.

Chances of me liking it: 0%. "You think that you could actually kill somebody?" Oh, wow! That is one edgy premise, filmmakers! Totally up to date! No one has ever explored such a notion before! Except that, wait, Hitchcock's Rope came out in 1948. So close. You guys just barely missed relevancy by 62 years.

Paranormal Activity 2: Tokyo Night

Chances of me seeing it: 10%. No, this is not a new trailer for Paranormal Activity 2. This is an alternate Japanese sequel, fully approved by the filmmakers of the original and canon within the Paranormal Activity "universe." So here in America I'd say it's for hardcore Paranormal Activity fans only. I am not a hardcore Paranormal Activity fan. In fact, the original film didn't scare me so much as give me a headache.

Chances of me liking it: 2%. What is it with both American and Japanese Paranormal Activity trailers using footage of an audience being scared? Are we seriously becoming that fucking retarded? It's like the theatrical, horror version of the laugh track. What an ominous thought.

The Red Eagle

Chances of me seeing it: 0%. I'm running out of ways to say "stupid-looking action movie I have no desire to see." Imagine how redundant my blurbs will get by Tim's Trailer Talk Vol. 50.

Chances of me liking it: 0%.

The Robot (Enthiran)

Chances of me seeing it: 65%. Now this is more like it. I mean, it's just a superhero movie with a mechanical twist to it, but it seems like it's at least aware of how absurd it is. Plenty of goofily entertaining special effects in this trailer alone, and it's always nice to see Aishwarya Rai. I'm curious.

Chances of me liking it: 35%. The chances of it being an intelligent film? 0%. The chances of it being entertaining, however, is a slightly but crucially different metric.

The Taqwacores

Chances of me seeing it: 5%. Ah, a new subgenre — Muslimsploitation. Thankfully I just posted the trailer for the actually good-looking Four Lions yesterday, so I don't need to waste time on this one.

Chances of me liking it: 1%. Don't you see? They're Muslims and they're punks! It's so surprising! What do you mean you don't think it looks good?! Man, you just don't get art, man!

The Tempest

Chances of me seeing it: 20%. I hated, not disliked, not was iffy on, hated Julie Taymor's Across the Universe from a few years back. You remember, right? That Beatles musical set in the 60s with Evan Rachel Wood? Basically one of the most terrible things ever? So from here on out, no matter how many actors I may like are stuffed into it, I will approach anything Taymor directs with the utmost suspicion. Also, whenever I see a wacky Shakespeare reimagining I think of this Onion article and laugh.

Chances of me liking it: 5%. I think my favorite Shakespeare movie — not the one I think is the best, but my personal favorite — is still probably 10 Things I Hate About You. Does that make me a terrible person? Hell yeah it does. Awesome.

Waste Land

Chances of me seeing it: 15%. I guess it looks more compelling than the other documentary trailers I posted this week, but I dunno. Alright, I'm just gonna say it: I'm not really much of a documentary guy. Maybe that's a sin against cinematic snobbery, but it's just the way it is. I enjoy movies because I enjoy narratives, so I watch maybe five docs a year, and those docs have to be about topics that really grab me by the balls. When a documentary trailer makes me go "oh, I guess that might be interesting," that's generally my way of saying that I'm probably never gonna see it.

Chances of me liking it: 5%. When you think about it, aren't reality TV shows just documentaries broken down into weekly chunks? In the end, are documentary snobs and The Biggest Loser fans really any different? Just thought I'd throw that out there.

The Way Back

Chances of me seeing it: 100%. Holy shit! After seven years I had just assumed Peter Weir was retired. Does this mean we might finally get that long-rumored Master and Commander sequel? Russell Crowe and Paul Bettany are still in the movie game. Let's do this thing, Pete.

Chances of me liking it: 65%. Looks sufficiently epic. Strong slate of actors. A man who can handle both those elements in the director's seat. I'm not gonna start polishing Oscars or anything but this looks like one I might damn well enjoy.

And the week's winner is: Discounting movies I posted the second trailers for (i.e. 127 Hours), I'm going to have to declare a tie between Four Lions and The Way Back. Neither looks like a masterpiece that'll blow me away, but both look very solidly watchable. Sometimes that's the best you can ask for.

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