For some reason this last week was balls nuts with almost thirty new trailers released, so I'm gonna tackle them over two posts instead of the usual one.
Chances of me seeing it: 100%. I posted the teaser for this movie a couple months back and now that we got a full trailer my feelings remain unchanged. It's Danny Boyle, so I'm goin'.
Chances of me liking it: 80%. Sticking with my earlier approximation here too. The concept of a thriller about a lone character trapped in one spot — not one room, but one goddamn spot — is bold and interesting as hell, and if anyone can pull it off it's Boyle. Some bits at the end of this trailer look like they could potentially steer into melodrama (shades of Blair Witch with Aron making a video for mom), but I'll assume that's simply because the trailer had to leave the gruesome stuff out. I remain excited.
Beyond the jump we got an eclectic mix of genres featuring big blockbusters and indie flicks alike.
The Ambassadors of Hollywood
Chances of me seeing it: 0%. I — just — don't — give — a — shit.
Chances of me liking it: 0%.
And Soon the Darkness
Chances of me seeing it: 20%. It looks like a perfectly fine way to kill a couple hours. Amber Heard is pretty and Karl Urban is indisputably badass. I mean, c'mon. He's one man who is both Leonard "Bones" McCoy and Éomer. That is one badass man. Too bad the thriller elements look generic as hell and I can probably pretty accurately predict every plot twist from this 108-second trailer alone. This is the height of "I just might consider watching if they put it on Netflix View Instantly."
Chances of me liking it: 5%. I doubt I'd feel sick to my stomach after watching. I doubt it's a worst of the year contender. But the chances of this rising to the level of three-star legitimately recommendable film? Slimmer than Amber Heard's waist.
Chances of me seeing it: 40%. Ryan Gosling and Michelle Williams are unquestionably two of the thespic highlights of their generation (spellcheck and dictionary.com tell me that "thespic" isn't a word, but I don't give a shit, I just coined it), and while it may be a cinematic death sentence in mainstream America, Blue Valentine being slapped with the dreaded NC-17 rating greatly increases my own curiosity. However, the official synopsis ("The film centers on a contemporary married couple, charting their evolution over a span of years by cross-cutting between time periods.") isn't exactly the kind of thing that gets me standing in line for the midnight showing. Let's read the reviews first, shall we?
Chances of me liking it: 25%. Could be an artistically-drawn double character study. Could be navel-gazing bullshit. Impossible to say at this point.
Chances of me seeing it: 0%. I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested in watching a documentary about a gym. Once your focus gets that small and intimate you're basically just making artsy reality television.
Chances of me liking it: 0%. I hate the gym anyway.
Burke & Hare
Chances of me seeing it: 65%. If not for Simon Pegg this would probably be more like 20%, but Simon Pegg is possibly up in the top ten on my list of actors who I'll at least consider watching basically anything for. I like Isla Fisher too, even if she is the poor man's Amy Adams.
Chances of me liking it: 30%. However, I can't exactly say this trailer made me laugh and laugh (outside of Simon Pegg saying "I had confidence in a fart once, and I shat all over myself!"). Let's hope there's some more imaginatively dark and twisted cadaver-related humor that the trailer steered away from.
The Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader
Chances of me seeing it: 99%. Like I said when I posted the last (and not particularly different) trailer for this movie, I saw the first two Narnia flicks and I'm kind of a completionist, and it'd be unusual for me to miss out on any theatrically-released blockbuster fantasy epic.
Chances of me liking it: 40%. The fact that this movie has switched directors from the first two would be comforting if they hadn't switched to Michael Apted, aka the director of The World Is Not Enough, the worst official Bond movie ever made. However, I'm pretty sure that I still liked The World Is Not Enough more than The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe or Prince Caspian, so maybe he's an improvement after all. The purging of the two older Pevensie siblings is a relief because the kid who plays Edmund is the best actor of the four by far and the more he's brought to the forefront the better. The CGI on the talking animals still looks about as convincing as if Shrek was walking around Narnia, unfortunately.
Death Race 2
Chances of me seeing it: 55%. Sean Bean, why? I thought you were better than this. I mean, you're the lead in HBO's Game of Thrones, for christ's sake. Oh well, a paycheck's a paycheck, I guess. Also, there's a pretty good chance I'll Netflix it, because I like Sean Bean and Danny Trejo and I'm mildly retarded.
Chances of me liking it: 15%. As I argued a couple years back, the original Death Race was arguably so bad that it was amazing, however, once you factor in the straight-to-DVD shit-colored polish you will probably be left with something that's just bad. Still. Sean Bean. Awesome.
Chances of me seeing it: 10%. Ugh. Really, Universal? A goddamn three-minute trailer? Pure agony. This is the second trailer for this film too, but unlike 127 Hours and Voyage of the Dawn Treader's second trailers which had no effect on my chances of seeing the films, The Dilemma is just looking worse every day.
Chances of me liking it: 1%. I mentioned last time I discussed this movie how Kevin James is the antithesis of funny (honestly, between Kevin James, whoever plays the lead in Mike & Molly, and Seth Rogen losing weight, what happened to all the funny fat comedians?), but to my horror I saw in this trailer that the movie also stars Channing Tatum, the most wooden actor of all time. I think Vince Vaughn can be a funny guy when paired with the right people and the right project, such as Ben Stiller in Dodgeball or Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers, but there's no way he can hold things together matched up against such dire comedic opponents.
Chances of me seeing it: 85%. I'm probably gonna see this just to make it known with my dollar that Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson should be starring in badass action movies, not fucking kids movie after kids movie after kids movie. Consider it more a vote than a viewing of a film. Johnson is no master thespian but he has imposing physicality, real onscreen charisma, and sharp comedic timing that I can't believe how badly he's squandered since 2003's The Rundown.
Chances of me liking it: 30%. The fact that I'll probably see it doesn't necessarily make it a good movie, though. Hell, I just wanna see The Rock plug some motherfuckers. Anything will be a relief after The Tooth Fairy.
The Four-Faced Liar
Chances of me seeing it: 5%. So it's basically just a blown-up sitcom episode with lesbians, right? I'm sure the fact that it's indie and has gay themes will be more than enough to make plenty of critics pretend it's a good movie.
Chances of me liking it: 1%. I just can't see that happening.
Chances of me seeing it: 95%. I've been looking forward to this movie for a while. It looks pretty much goddamn hilarious; think the terrorism parts of Team America except actually funny this time. As a bonus, I'm sure that right-wingers will be (or at least pretend to be) outraged by the subject matter. That always makes me like something more. Hell, if right-wingers got up in arms about The Four-Faced Liar I'd probably muster up the energy to see it. Gays are passe for political protest, though, Muslims are the new hotness.
Chances of me liking it: 70%. There's always the risk that the trailer shows all the best parts, but the combination of dry reaction shots and absurdist slapstick makes it look as surefire a funny comedy as I've seen in a long time.
From Prada to Nada
Chances of me seeing it: 0%. Oh, wow! Fuck no!
Chances of me liking it: 0%. And just to rub salt in the wound, the romantic interest is that flying douchenozzle West from Heroes. It's like a perfect storm of stuff I don't want to watch.
The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet's Nest
Chances of me seeing it: 90%. I admit that I've yet to see The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo or The Girl Who Played with Fire. It's extremely rare for me to lag this far behind a major cinematic fad (one for adults, anyway; I've yet to see High School Musical, something which I imagine will still the case at the moment of my death), so they're both high up on my "to watch" list. Hell, maybe I'll watch Dragon Tattoo this weekend. I'm pretty sure I'll eventually get around to this newest one too, but maybe not in theaters. I need to wait until the second comes out on DVD first.
Chances of me liking it: 50%. As I've seen none of them I cannot make an informed estimate one way or another.