All Good Things
Chances of me seeing it: 20%. This is one of those trailers so nondescript I struggle to even write fifty words about it. I can't quite tell if it's a drama or a thriller. Ryan Gosling is a pretty good actor and I'm vaguely curious to see Kristen Wiig in a drama, but it's really tough for me to envision myself getting in a car and driving to a theater to watch this movie.
Chances of me liking it: 5%. I have nothing more to say about All Good Things, so let's veer wildly off topic and discuss Kristen Wiig for a moment. It seems like every time I see her mentioned on a movie forum or blog, dozens of people are there to declare her terrible, despite the fact that she's clearly one of the few legitimately funny people on SNL. What's that about? Is it misogyny? Or is the less insidious but equally depressing fact that average people have terrible taste in everything? If you're one of the morons who thinks Kristen Wiig isn't funny, be sure to leave a comment and let me know why you're a moron.
Beyond the jump, Jim Carrey fucks a burly man in the ass! I'm not even kidding!
Chances of me seeing it: 25%. Alejandro González Iñárritu's Babel is the worst film to receive a Best Picture nomination in over ten years. The absolute fucking worst. The Reader and The Blind Side are bad, but they can be suffered. Babel, however, takes 143 agonizing minutes to make the bold statement that "hey lots of different people speak lots of different languages," and I was left retching at its sledgehammer emotional manipulation. You think Crash was an obnoxious ensemble drama? Oh, then you clearly haven't seen Babel, my friend. Anyway, my point is that I hated Alejandro González Iñárritu's last movie so I probably won't watch this one unless the reviews are exceptional.
Chances of me liking it: 10%. But even if the reviews are exceptional, Babel proved that critics and awards shows cannot be trusted when it comes to this man. Memo to all critics: yes, there is some amazing Mexican cinema. Y Tu Mamá También is one of the best movies of the last decade. But that doesn't mean that you have to pretend that every film that slithers from south of the border is a masterwork, because plenty of them are not. Babel was not, on any level. Fuck you Oscars.
Chances of me seeing it: 100%. Pixar.
Chances of me liking it: 35%. Cars is the weakest Pixar movie of the 00s by a huge, huge fucking margin. It's watchable, mostly on the strength of Paul Newman's voiceover and the epic western landscapes, but the notion of revisiting Lightning McQueen and Mater fills me with profound apathy. I mean, I'll watch it. I've seen every Pixar movie and I might as well keep going. But if they had to do a sequel, why couldn't it have been The Incredibles 2?
Drive Angry 3D
Chances of me seeing it: 95%. Holy shit! This looks like the worst fucking movie ever made! I'm not gonna lie, I'm gonna watch the hell out of it. In fact, the more vicious the reviews get, the more they'll entice me. Only lukewarm reviews in the 40% Rotten Tomatoes range could turn me away, but just watch this trailer and you'll see why that probably won't be an issue.
Chances of me liking it: 1%. It's gonna be a piece of shit. But that's kind of the point, so I won't judge it too harsh for that.
Chances of me seeing it: 100%. Wow, this trailer looks way, way better than the schmaltzy feel-good crap the last one tried to mold the film into. I was going to see it one way or another, because as I said last month Three Kings is one of the best films ever made and because of that I will see everything David O. Russell directs, but this time I'm actually excited. Suddenly, the film seems to have a personality, one not entirely unlike Darren Aronofsky's masterpiece The Wrestler.
Chances of me liking it: 80%. I gave it a 50% for the first trailer but after watching this one I'm giving it a big boost. It's now in the Black Swan / True Grit / 127 Hours echelon of my most anticipated upcoming films.
How Do You Know
Chances of me seeing it: 50%. I'd give it like a 10% if Paul Rudd wasn't involved, but I was one of the biggest proponents of Rudd becoming a leading man and celebrated that happening upon the release of last year's I Love You, Man as a victory for fans of good actors everywhere, so it'd be hypocritical for me to not at least consider seeing How Do You Know however much it may look like a generic romcom. Reese Witherspoon's groan-inducing explanation that "Most girl's plan is to meet a guy, love, have a baby... but I don't know if I have what it takes for everybody's regular plan." might as well just be streamlined into "I am a generic romantic comedy protagonist."
Chances of me liking it: 15%. Again, if I like it, it will be because of Paul Rudd and only Paul Rudd.
I Love You Phillip Morris
Chances of me seeing it: 70%. I read that this movie is basically a gay version of Catch Me If You Can starring Jim Carrey, and while I'm apathetic to the gay part Catch Me If You Can is one of my favorite movies, so I'm tempted.
Chances of me liking it: 35%. Jim Carrey's accent was a little much from the trailer alone. I'm afraid we may have another case of Carrey overacting on our hands. But still, I enjoy a good conman story, so it's got potential.
Justin Bieber: Never Say Never
Chances of me seeing it: 0%. I'm not even gonna bother ripping into this. Shooting fish in a barrel gets boring real quick.
Chances of me liking it: 0%.
Made in Dagenham
Chances of me seeing it: 30%. So it's just kind of like a British, comedic version of North Country, right? Honestly, I still haven't gotten around to watching North Country yet. I did, however, add it to my Netflix queue a few months back when I noticed that Sean Bean was part of the cast. But as for Made in Dagenham, look, I'm all for women getting equal pay. As Steve Buscemi said in Reservoir Dogs, show me a piece of paper, I'll sign it, put it to a vote, I'll vote for it. But what I won't do is watch an overly whimsical British comedy about it.
Chances of me liking it: 15%. So is Sally Hawkins like a legit movie star now? Huh, that kind of snuck up on the world, didn't it? I mean, I thought she was pretty good in her supporting turn in Never Let Me Go but I'm not sure about all these leading roles.
Ong Bak 3
Chances of me seeing it: 50%. I saw and greatly enjoyed the original Ong-Bak in theaters and I also watched The Protector, but I haven't felt any real compulsion to watch any Tony Jaa films since. He's a tremendous martial artist, no one will dispute that. He can do stunts in his sleep that 99.9% of people couldn't fathom with years of training. But I've seen his fights and I've seen his stunts, and unlike Jackie Chan he has no screen presence or discernible personality beyond his martial prowess to keep me coming back. I may watch Ong Bak 3 via Netflix some years from now but I'm hardly counting down the days. I wonder how I'll ever follow the plot without watching Ong Bak 2 first.
Chances of me liking it: 25%. I'm sure the fights are brilliantly choreographed. I'm sure the stunts are dazzling. Is there any movie beyond that? Do any Tony Jaa fans even care? I also love how the trailer declares via text that "HEROES FADE ... BUT TONY JAA ... WILL NEVER DIE." Uh, wanna bet?
Chances of me seeing it: 100%. Written by and starring Simon Pegg and Nick Frost means I'm there.
Chances of me liking it: 80%. Unlike previous Pegg-Frost joints Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, this one isn't directed by Edgar Wright but instead Superbad and Adventureland's Greg Mottola, who has given me no reason to believe he'll drop the ball. The supporting cast is also one of the best comedic lineups I've seen in years, including Seth Rogen, Kristen Wiig, Jason Bateman, Jane Lynch, Sigourney Weaver, Jeffrey Tambor, Bill Hader, Friday Night Lights' Jesse Plemons, and many more. If I don't laugh at this one my worldview will be broken.
Chances of me seeing it: 20%. Nothing is more dramatic than parents struggling with the tragic loss of a child, and this riveting character study looks to explore the depths of human sorrow and show that zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Chances of me liking it: 10%. Oh, I'm sorry. I fell asleep there.
Chances of me seeing it: 25%. I thought this couldn't be any more insufferably twee, but then the ghost showed up and it became a tweetasrophe.
Chances of me liking it: 15%. I'm always iffy on Gus Van Sant. I love Good Will Hunting and Milk is a fine film, but his artier projects range from obtuse to insufferable. Try watching the school shooting docudrama Elephant and you'll see what I mean. This one doesn't look as bad as Elephant but it still fails to grab me in any way.
Chances of me seeing it: 25%. No more exorcisms, please! All these exorcism horror flicks have successfully exorcised my desire to ever see another one.
Chances of me liking it: 10%. Why exactly is it that the devil always possesses a young girl? I mean, The Exorcist, The Exorcism of Emily Rose, The Last Exorcism, and now The Rite. Is it some kind of perverted thing? If I ever make an exorcism flick the devil is going to possess a thirty-year-old man with the physique of Schwarzenegger and he's going to kick everyone's ass. When the exorcist comes Satan will just break him in half.
Chances of me seeing it: 100%. I'm not a slasher fan. I've tried to love the genre; I've watched all the essentials, your Friday the 13ths, your Nightmare on Elm Streets, your Halloweens, various movies about proms and sororities and sleepaway camps, but I eventually had to admit the truth that I just don't enjoy them. They're so rote and predictable and they always bore me. But there is exactly one slasher flick I love, and that flick is 1996's Scream, a movie I've seen probably a half dozen times. It's just so clever and so funny and so badass, a satire that somehow surpasses the very thing it satirizes, not unlike what Galaxy Quest does to cheesy adventure sci-fi. Sure, Scream 2 was a step down (albeit still probably one of the top ten slasher flicks ever made) and Scream 3 was embarrassing garbage, but they've had a whole decade to regroup and recharge their batteries. I'll be there for Scream 4. I'm extremely curious to see what they've come up with.
Chances of me liking it: 40%. Of course it's possible, even likely, that ten years away from the franchise has simply caused the thing to deteriorate further, but I'm surprised at how nostalgic hearing old Ghostface's voice made me, and the movie has a lot of personal favorite actors in supporting roles, including Community's Alison Brie and Friday Night Lights' Aimee Teegarden. I'm unspoiled and this is strictly speculation, but they're gonna need to kill one of the big three — Sidney Prescott, Gale Weathers, Deputy Dewey — to sell that this is a real sequel with real consequences and not just screwing around. I've heard that Emma Roberts' part is almost as big as Sidney's so I'm wondering if this might be a "passing the torch" film where the entire classic cast is killed off and we follow Roberts as the new protagonist for future sequels. Who knows (well, all the people on the cast and crew of Scream 4, but the question was rhetorical, asshole). I'm suspicious but kind of excited at the same time.
Chances of me seeing it: 90%. Looks like Taken and The Bourne Identity had a kid, and that kid is called Unknown. Between Taken, Clash of the Titans, The A-Team, The Hangover 2, Battleship, and now this I'm beginning to suspect that Liam Neeson is going to coast on pulp for the rest of his career, but hey, c'mon. Schindler's List may have been seventeen years ago but that's enough prestige to last forever. That's the prestigiest of prestige pictures, so I think Neeson's earned the right to screw around a little. And like all people with any taste whatsoever, I dig Neeson, so I'll probably see this movie.
Chances of me liking it: 40%. I'm sure it'll have sufficient action and thrills. Whether or not I like it is almost entirely reliant on how satisfyingly it wraps up the mystery presented in the trailer. There's obviously a twist coming, but what that twist is I can't say. Could be clever. Could be retarded. Watching Neeson will no doubt be a pleasure either way.
Chances of me seeing it: 60%. Could be a neat thriller, even if we're back in the exact same amnesia-after-a-car-accident territory as the very last movie we looked at. I'll read the reviews.
Chances of me liking it: 25%. Anything's possible!
And the week's winner is: As for movies I suspect will actually be good, I'm declaring a tie between The Fighter with its greatly improved second trailer and Simon Pegg and Nick Frost's Paul. But as for the movie I'm most curious about, I honestly gotta go with Scream 4. I mean, you only have to look up Micky Ward on Wikipedia to find out how The Fighter goes down, and while I'm sure Paul will be funny I'm not too hung up on the minutia of its plot. Scream 4, however, shit, I wanna know who dies!